Archive for February, 2017

NOTE: If you are in imminent risk of ending your life, please call 911 or the National Suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255 for immediate help. 

It all adds up. Accumulates. Pain, trauma, losses. Anger, resentment, guilt. Buries You underneath. You watch your Self vanish, become unrecognizable. And wonder if you’re too far gone to be saved.

Is there such a thing as too far gone to be saved?

You’re tired and it never seems to get better. Your life is permanently altered. You try not to think about it, but you can’t help wondering if it was worth it.

Are you too far gone to be saved?

What you want is relief. An end to the pain, the anxiety, the feeling that ever since you came home you’ve done nothing but disappoint everyone. That you’re failing everyone. Constantly.

Misplaced. Displaced. Misunderstood. Too different. Too angry. Too volatile.

Your love was the battlefield. Your soul is still there.

But you can’t go back. The war is over. Or, rather your war is over.

And you’re so fucking tired of fighting your Self.

Too far gone to be saved?

You see ghosts, or rather, feel them. Hear the voices of those who blew up or bled out. Here one moment, gone the next. Still here though.

Still here.
(there is no gone)

You move through your time now reacting to dangers only you once knew.
Still feel.
Safe now.

Safe. Now.

Too far gone to be saved?

Pills, therapy, band-aids, thank you for your service.
What do they know of where your soul is?

Where is your soul?
Oh, yes. Still there.
There.

Call it back.

Call who?
Your soul.
I don’t know where it is.
Yes, you do.
Call it back to you.
Souls do not die. Souls cannot be too far gone.
There is no too far.
To be saved.
Save yours. Save the only one you can.

Too late.
Too tired. Too far gone.
Too much loss.
Too much heartache.
Too much failure.
Too much being the cause of pain.
Too….
Much.

Too much??
Too much believing you are alone.
Too much blaming your Self.
Too much forgetting that you belong.
Too much holding on to what was.
Too much waiting for someone else to
heal what only you can release.
What only you can allow.
Too much denying that grace is not for you.
For denying grace is a choice.

Too far gone to be saved?

What if death does not resolve what you wish to escape?
What if the only way to end the pain is to stop believing you are too far gone?
What if healing does not mean erasing, but releasing, surrendering your Self
to your Oneness with all beings?
Starting over with new beliefs?
What if the only way out is to dissolve into the Eternal Love that has always held you?
Not by killing your Self, but by loving your Self?

Yes, that Self.
The one you rage against.
The one you infuse with whiskey and nicotine,
chemical oblivion.
The one you berate, hate, reject, blame, shame.
Incriminate. Judge. Condemn.
Punish.

That Self.
The one who wants to be saved.
The one who waits for your kindness.
For you to understand that
You need your own compassion.
More than you need others’.
Tending. Gentleness. Honor.

Honor?

Yes, honor.
Shaming wounds, raging on wounds,
Blaming wounds only keeps you wounded.
There is no shame in being wounded.
War is designed to hurt.
You are designed to live.
You are a warrior who is gifted with the wisdom of death.
The awareness of life.
The ability now to create life from death.
By the power of what you choose to believe.
What you choose to walk toward.
How you love the one who needs your love the most.
You.
In this moment.
In this choice.

Too far gone to be the same?
Yes.

Too far gone to be saved?
Never.