The words do not pour forth; they catch in my breasts, clutch at my throat, refuse to be told. I can’t write of finding your body, your warm blood melting the cold snow, the fixed gaze of your eyes forever staring into darkness. That same darkness I was not able to save you from. I … Continue reading I Love You Still
It's that hollow numbness, the sense that you are already dead, the complete lack of desire to go on, the craving to be gone, to be done here. The feeling that you are nothing more than an empty husk blown about by gusts of wind. There’s nothing left of you. You're not who you used … Continue reading When You Can’t Be a Warrior Anymore…Is There a Reason to Go On?
Joe DeCree and I are talking about Memorial Day -- how he handles it and insight on how to move through this sacred time. Joe: Memorial Day: Is there a worse day on the calendar? Gosh, I feel like I want to go to bed all day and hide. Unfortunately, it is inevitable. It comes … Continue reading Combat Vets: On Grief and Getting Through Memorial Day
The rain drips off the peak of my cap; Speckles my vision. The marching band plays in G Major, but I hear only minor chords. Old Glory passes by and I make the automatic, but heartfelt, salute. I attend the ball games and barbeques But I am not really there. I want to leave so … Continue reading Memorial Day
The part of you they take with them, that hollowed out spot in your chest, that sting and numbness and dazed acceptance -- it’s still there, still fresh, still real. It is never not a part of you...ever again. We are changed by each death. Even though life is given again in the next lifetime, … Continue reading This Memorial Day…
It's that heaviness deep in your chest. That gaping void where part of who you were before is permanently gone. It's the sense of having done things that can never be undone, a burden of being responsible for having taken life and for having lost it. A burden you know is yours to carry. It's … Continue reading When You Feel As If You Don’t Belong
One of my Soldiers learned today that he lost a soldier to suicide. One of my Marines attended the funeral this week of a brother who went Home early. I'm sure there are many more of you who are dealing with this kind of loss right now. And many of you who are contemplating killing … Continue reading Suicide: Stop Believing the Lie That No One Cares
Okay, so the words themselves mean the same thing in your mind. Fucked up. Pain. Shit. Issues. Doesn't matter what you call it, right? Who cares? What if how you think of it is keeping you stuck? No, I'm not being "a writer" here and picking on words. On the surface, it doesn't matter how you refer to the … Continue reading Combat PTSD: F***ed Up or Wounded?
You come home from combat angry. Stupid shit sets you off. You lash out at people you care about only to see pain and fear flash through their confused eyes. Sometimes you start fights on purpose. Usually, you just react. A stupid driver makes you snap, before you know it you're in a blind rage. In … Continue reading I Came Back from Combat, Why the #@!% Am I So Angry!?!?
This is the kind of post that takes a shot of whiskey to write. Only, alcohol gives me migraines, so fuck that. We're gonna talk about something that many of you live with and most of you will never be able to find words for... and that's having witnessed or caused the death of children … Continue reading When Children are the Victims of War
It lines your inside, this presence you've become so familiar with that you're not sure where you end and it begins. It's just... there. Always there. Images. Scents. Sounds. Fear. Memories. Pain. You try to shut it out. It returns. You lock it up inside. It gets out. It wants you to stare into its deceiving eyes. And when you … Continue reading What to Do When You Just Can’t Talk About It
This is a hard post to write. Not because the subject matter is painful, (I'll stare into the darkest pain with you), but because it is so personal to my daily life. Someone asked me why I let the events in Iraq bother me. I'll tell you why. Every day I interact with guys who … Continue reading Why the Fall of Iraq Bothers Me